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| 어떻게 보면 쟁가의 전락은 나의 힘이 되어버렸다. 사사로운 생각과 속마음을 터놓으면서 누구도 읽지 않을꺼란 개인적 확신을 가지고 안심한다. 이것을 의하여 기탄없이 마음속을 털어놓고 싶다. 지난 5개월은 애증의 축도, 그의 일일사건은 영화의 줄거리, 우리의 회화는 드라마의 대사. 연속극처럼 풀린다 싶으면 뒤틀어지고 답이 없다 싶으면 길이 생기는 오르내림이 심한 삶을 누리며 살아왔다. 그녀 마음의 동요는 나의 고통...하루하루가 어떻게 전개될지 모르는 두려움에 또한편 행복의 희망이 손짓해 부르며 기분이 좌우되는 게 피하지 못하는 현실이 되어버렸지만 그걸로도 나는 만족했었다. 나의 사정 (私情)은 그의 장난감..하지만 그녀도 마음을 정하지 못하여 그랬으므로 탓할 수 없다. 욕하고 싶어도 못하고 미워하고 싶어도 미워할 수 없는 사람..오히려 보호해주고 싶은 마음이 넘어슨다. 이런 감정...처음 입니다. 사랑? 이라고 할까요. 짝사랑으로 시작한 꿈같은 인연이 이루어져 거의 환상적이였는데...하지만 어쩔 수 없죠.
요즘 마음에 와닿는 노래입니다. 이별후에 이별 노래의 가사가 꼭 자기 이야기를 한다는 말이 있지요? 이제야 저도 왜 그런말을 하는지 깨달은거 같습니다. 완벽한 아픔이네요.
클래식 - KCM
가슴 아플까
후회는 하지 않을까
한번도 생각해본적 없던
이별 앞에서
생각이 날까 자꾸만 보고 싶을까
사랑한 널
하루라도 널 못보고
견딜 수 있을까
사랑해 I do
사랑해 I do
우리가 왜 이렇게
헤어져야해
왜 우리여야해
너를 정말 사랑했었나봐
하늘 아래 너밖에 없나봐
사랑하니까 사랑하니까
보낼 수 있나봐
멀어지는 널 바라보면서
참아왔던 눈물이 났어
너를 정말 사랑했나봐
거릴 걸어도
익숙한 노랠 들어도
지나치는 연인들 속에도
생각날텐데
보고 싶을때
전화해도 괜찮겠니
아냐 아냐
서글퍼진 마음에 나
그냥 물어봤어
사랑해 I do
사랑해 I do
아직 자신이 없어
우리 헤어져
나 살아가는 일
너를 정말 사랑했었나봐
하늘 아래 너밖에 없나봐
사랑하니까 사랑하니까
보낼 수 있나봐
멀어지는 널 바라보면서
참아왔던 눈물이 났어
너를 정말 사랑했나봐
우리 사랑했던 날들이
소나기처럼 내리면
추억에 내 온몸이
아파올텐데.....
생각하면 눈물나는 사랑
하늘 아래
둘도 없는 사랑
고마웠다고 고마웠다고
전하지 못한 말
고마웠던 마음이 남아서
웃으면서 보낼 수 있어
나는 너를 사랑하니까
너는 행복해야 하니까...
그녀가 보지는 못하지만...
혜민아 - 무엇보다 미안하다. 오빠 때문에 많이 힘들었을꺼다. 하지만 이제야 마음정리하고 네가 갈 길 잘 찾아. 곁에 있어주고 싶은 내 마음 알지? 하지만 둘을 위하여 각 길 찾자. 언제 니가 마음 바꾸면..그때서 다시 노력하는거야, 알았지? 네가 했던 모든 말..다 가슴속에 품어둘게. 우리 둘만의 추억...간직하고 잊지말아줘. 좋았던 기억만 남겨두고 힘들었던 건 교훈이 되기를 바래. 너에게 귀중한 것들은 노력으로만 갖출 수 있다..우리를 위한 나의 노력만큼 다른 것들도 그만큼 힘있게 싸워. 둘째. 고마웠어. 두살이나 어린 숙녀한테 이렇게 많은 것을 배울줄이야 누가 알았겠어. 진정한 아낌이 무엇인지 그리고 얼만큼 좋아해야 전력을 다해 싸워도 후회 없이 할 수 있는지 가르쳐줘서 고맙다. 이기적인 나는 한편 니가 한말에 대해 책임지라고 하고 싶지만 부담없이 마음정리의 시간을 가져. 오빠 괜찮을거야...걱정마. 나 알잖아...외강내순이지만 마음 든든한거. 학기말이라 할것도 많고 운동ㆍ공부에 핵심을 둬 니가 원하는 나를 위한 열심한 삶을 노력할게.
너랑 모든 연락을 끊고 싶진 않다. 언젠가는 나도 괜찮아지겠고, 그냥 즐겨왔던 친한 사이 계속 유지하자.
I want you to become the best person you can be, whether or not I'm there next to you.
Don't be scared to come back because you're afraid you will hurt me more, or that the cycle we've gone through will be repeated. Follow your heart. If it leads you back to me, think of it as returning to something unfinished. If it leads you away, remember the memories we've shared together. I know I will. We've had a lot of happy ones: our countless walks on West, the Duke Gardens, late night coffee and random wanderings. We've also had our share of bizarre ones: our fights, "that night" in your room, "that night" when you...drank. :] I'll miss our walks, I'll miss our conversations, I'll miss holding hands, I'll miss your kisses...and I'll miss you. Without a doubt, you're someone I'll never forget. Thank you for that. You've taught me in so short a time what everyone before you failed to do: what it is to truly care for someone. And that I will, forever.
강혜민...정말로 사랑했나봐. 가사가 말하다시피 고마웠던 기억이 남아서 웃으면서 보낸다. 원망 없이 미움 없이. 언젠가 돌아와줘...기다리고 있을게.
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| It's amazing how a smile can change everything. Outwardly, the change is most visible and appreciated: a little smile for the passing stranger, a broad grin for those precious friends, and a soft smile when you think of that special person. It is when your heart smiles, however, that the biggest change manifests itself. A heart smile changes your attitude towards life, makes a seemingly bleak existence that much more meaningful, transforms you at your very core. Recently, my heart has been smiling, and the transformation is radical. The walk down the exact same path taken on any given day of the week becomes light and effortless. You notice the blistering reds and soft yellows that paint the branches of the trees whose leaves struggle to stay on, the squirrels scurrying about, the birds quarreling in the boughs overhead. You take a deep breath and appreciate it all, when only days before you would have trudged through that gravel path, counting the days until you head for the comfort of home. A heart smile makes the world feel right when, in actuality, nothing has really changed. You're given a newfound strength and a deeper sense of being that convinces you that everything really does happen for a reason. A heart smile exudes inner joy, creates new meaning, and triggers a change in attitude. That, quite simply, is a heart smile.
How does one's heart smile? Unlike an outward smile, the heart smiles through the eyes. The old aphorism of the eyes being the windows to the soul comes from the heart smile. It is caused by different things for individual people. For some, it comes from watching their children scampering in the backyard, chasing, falling, laughing. For others, it comes from the one pursuit that gives meaning to their lives, be it playing the piano, climbing a mountain, or sailing through the sky. For still others, it comes from being with that special someone, treating every day as if it were the last. Regardless of the source, the heart smiles only when it is fully right with itself. It's a happiness that cannot be feigned, a satisfaction that cannot be duplicated, and a contentment that cannot be matched. Find what makes your heart smile and hold on to it, because it gives life that much more reason to live.
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| I'm such a chump for sappy movies. To be honest with you, it's the only genre that really agrees with me: I can't bear watching scary movies/thrillers, don't particularly enjoy action movies, and wouldn't watch most other genres willfully, either. I love comedies, romantic comedies in particular. Now that makes me a rare breed of human and a nonexistent form of male, but nevertheless I keep coming back to these movies. There is a reason for this, though. I'm especially drawn to ideals: perfect home, perfect wife, perfect kids, and perfect life. My image of a successful life is comprised of these things, and therefore I have started looking for the integral part of this future image: a wife. Laugh all you want, but it's true. I've been wanting to settle down (How crazy is that?!) and get married. Every baby I see lately looks soo adorable, and now I want one more than I did a dog. I seriously want to graduate, get a job, find a wife, and raise a family. I daydream about coming in from work to a bright and happy home, a loving wife, two cute kids, and a golden retriever. Now I know that I'm getting old. Although these days I am living for me in the present, I'd trade that in an instant for a life with my family. Basically, I have bought into the American dream of suburbia. It's strange to see that as much as I hate being predictable, I see myself as living the most predictable life one can have. Funny, huh?
Now all this is well and good, but where to start? My dad has always told me that I need to pray for my wife, and it wasn't until recently that I saw the wisdom in that random fatherly piece of advice. I've dated, met, and known enough people to know what I want in a girl (I actually have a list!), and I've promised myself that I will not date again until I know it's genuine. I've had my share of fun, drama, and youthful naivete, but in the end I still desire something deeper. Although I'll continue to go on dates, have my flings, I want my next girlfriend to be "her". That's the reason why my entry is titled as such. For those who can't read it, it says "Jah gee", or an affectionate term closely related to "honey" or "dear". That's who I want. My 자기. No more "sexy" 's and "baby" 's (actually, this one could work) or other meaningless terms of endearment: I want the real thing. Never in my life have I prayed for a girl; I'd always pick the prettiest or cutest or smartest or tallest or other multitude of superlatives that I could realistically get, but now I want mine.
If you find this girl, tell me. I'll send you my list. 
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| The Slow Dancer
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)
Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive. While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.
That analysis is so spot on it's uncanny. I've said this before, but I'm such a sucker for ideals. I'm a dreamer: always have been and always will be. Sappy movies like the Holiday and Love Actually are my mantra, and I wouldn't hesitate to throw out a cheesy quote or two (or three). Love at first sight, falling in love and staying in love, marrying your college sweetheart...these are all things I firmly believe in and want for myself. I have this preconceived notion of what a relationship should be, the kind of girl I want to marry, and the kind of life I want to live. In the back of my mind, I know I've always been this way. Although I dated in high school, my relationships were forced, rushed attempts at finding that love at an age at which I wasn't emotionally and spiritually secure enough to do so. People have a skewed perception of me for this reason, but the truth of the matter is that I tried to convince myself I was old and mature enough when I honestly was too young and naive to commit myself as I did. Thus my focus has shifted from dating a girl to finding the right girl, but it's been tough trying to be patient. I mentioned in a previous post that the next girl I dated would be "the one", but I realize now that it's a little too early to be saying that yet. Finding the perfect girl to fit my idyllic, picturesque life would be nice, but I do have to realize that I'm only 19. Boo..I want to grow up already. Okay I had this entire train of thought that just crashed along with my caffeine high. More will be added/reorganized later, as I think this is the biggest heap of mumbo jumbo I've ever written.
I probably should have been born a girl. 
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Have you ever had one of those days when everything appears fresh and you look at the world in a different light? Today was one of those days. As I walked to E.K. Powe today to tutor for Project HOPE, the air seemed clearer, the sky brighter, and the world a bit more meaningful. It was almost like the feeling you get when you first realize the person you like likes you back, or that weird sensation you get when you perform that secret act of kindness that no one knows about but you. The setting was the same rundown Ninth Street, usually filled with hundreds of people scurrying down on the way to work, but today the streets were empty. It was as though the only person in the world was me. Now, usually I hate being alone, but this was a different kind of loneliness. A happy, get-to-know-yourself-better, stop-and-examine-your-life kind of loneliness. I reveled in it.
I had purposely set out about thirty minutes early today, not for any particular reason, but I guess mainly to enjoy the yogurt granola parfait I bought from the Bella Union on the way to East Campus. Powe's playground was empty, but I could envision it during recess, kids running around with playmates whom, ten years down the road, they might not ever talk to again. To kill time, I did something I haven't done in years: I went on the swings. I had almost forgotten how to, sadly, but one doesn't forget an essential life skill like swinging quite so easily. As I swung, I remembered that the swings had been my favorite piece of playground equipment as a child. How had I stayed away for so long? Somewhere during the years of studying, volunteering, soccer, and sports, life's simple pleasures had gotten lost in the clutter. I couldn't help but tear up when I realized that the last time I had gone on the swings solely to swing had been in sixth grade, in the playground next to the Agana pool. I got off the swings and moved from one piece of playground equipment to the next: the slides, the monkey bars, the jungle gym. I felt five again. I felt helpless again. I felt carefree again. I felt as though nothing in the world mattered except getting across those monkey bars without falling down. When did I forget that life needs to be lived? I want to achieve all of the goals that I have set for myself, but over the years I lost the meaning that I had placed in those goals. Pure, simple, unabashed happiness. Being okay with letting Axel cut in front of you for the drinking fountain line after a long game of kickball. Giving some of your Valentines Day candy to Hiro even though it's your birthday, but since his was yesterday and he didn't get any. The happiness, the kindness, the grace that we claim to value so much has disappeared from our lives. With those things, life can truly be lived, I assure you. I know, because as a five-year-old I lived it.
I dusted off the dirt from falling off the monkey bars and walked into the school, nostalgia attacking my every sense. I don't know why it was so glaringly acute today, but something told me that my life needed a fresh dose of perspective. I had a few minutes left before I had to pick up Riyan, so I took a left and walked into the library. In the featured books section I saw a copy of Curious George and the Dump Truck. I immediately burst into tears and cried for a good ten minutes. Curious George and the Dump Truck had been my favorite book as a child. I always begged my mom to read it for me over and over again, which she did in her broken English. I memorized its every word, years before I could read it on my own. I wiped the tears away and looked around. Dozens of titles jumped out at me, books I had pored over as a child sprawled on the floor of the Barrigada Public Library. I can still picture myself, tugging on my mom's arm to go to the library on Saturday mornings. The cluttered piles of books that lay around me as the librarian, "Mr. Rick", smiled at me. I was always the only person in the library on Saturday mornings. I've grown a lot since then, and it's a colder world now, but I think deep down inside there will always be that corner for me in the library, or that spot on the swings, that meadow next to my house. Life changes, but there's no law that says you have to change with it.
I washed my face off and walked down the hallway to pick up Riyan. Responsibility, maturity, potential...I am all those things. However, I wish to also be naive, trusting, and carefree. Willing to see the good in people. Not afraid to trust. I want to be five. So listen to me: Swing on a swing, ride without training wheels, write a love note or two, sing at the top of your lungs.
Let's not forget why we live.
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